
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/10718625.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      F/M
  Fandom:
      No_Fandom
  Character:
      Lalaloopsie, Jeremiah
  Additional Tags:
      you_better_be_prepared_for_the_greatest_crackfic_of_all_time, crackfic,
      the_greatest_crackfic, the_world_isn't_ready_for_this_shit_honestly, this
      is_gonna_be_one_hell_of_a_wild_ride, mild_nihilism_with_a_touch_of_sexual
      depravity, warning:_giant_fire_emanating_alligators, Fluff, Smut, Angst
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-04-24 Updated: 2017-10-02 Chapters: 4/? Words: 3230
****** I'm About to Saw My Fucking Neck Off ******
by God_Himself_(lotuscookie), lotuscookie
Summary
     Lalaloopsie is on her way to the bathroom to saw her neck off. Why
     you may ask? Because the love of her life, who has never acknowledged
     her existence is graduating this year. What will happen when she
     bumps into him in the hallway on her way there? If you want an olive
     oil ocean, fire emanating alligators and thumbs with multiple biceps,
     you have come to the right place .
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
***** Flex those Pinky Finger Biceps *****
Chapter by lotuscookie
Just to let you know: I am in fact William Shaekspeare returning from a hole in
time-space (which you will soon visit) to deliver you the greatest piece of
writing in the 21st century.
I stalk down the hallway of my high school, feet pounding the floor as I make
my way to the girls bathroom. I have my saw handy in my backpack. Why you may
ask do I need a saw in my backpack? At school? That ladies and gentlemen (and
you non-binary folks) is because I am going to saw my fucking neck off. And why
is this? Simple: because the love of my life, Jeremiah, is going to be
graduating this year. Now before you get all "oh-my-god-she's-going-to-kill-
herself-because-of-a-boy-what-a-dimwit" let me tell you about Jeremiah. He is
literal perfection. He plays guitar, cooks pancakes in the shape of Donald
Duck's head (with his feet), can speak the language of cosmic velocirators, has
refined taste in grilled cheese and has a wicked double-chin. If that's not
enough for you, he can also sing the 2nd verse (like the really fast rap part)
of All Star by Smash Mouth. Understand what I mean? He's all you could want in
a person. So anyways...
The books in my arms are heavy as I begin to approach my destination. Tears
start to flood my eyes as I begin to think about Jeremiah. In my defense, this
was a perfectly good reason for not looking directly ahead of me to where the
chicken soup of my teenage soul was. I collided head-on with Jeremiah. My books
when flying all around the hallway as I fell backwards into a heap. Before I
could even really process what was going on my brain was already going into
self-destruct in t-minus-right-now mode. I was within a meter of Jeremiah, I
had just made physical contact with him. What does that mean? A reason to live!
But before I could get to happy about that, I had to make it out of this
situation with out being totally socially awkward.
Somehow my voice managed to drop six octaves to its manliest tone as I say: "I
was about to go saw my fucking neck off but I just made physical contact with
you and have magically regained my will to live." Fucking nailed it.
To my surprise Jeremiah in his cool, mysterious way responds with "Nice." This
had to be a good sign.
"Jeremiah you're the Tom to my Jerry, the apple to my pie, the lolly to my pop,
the rock to my roll, the mindless to my self indulgence... you're my
everything," I gushed "take me to the prom this year or else."
"Or else what?" Jeremiah inquired.
"I'll saw my fucking neck off."
"Okay."
"Okay I'll go with you or okay go saw your fucking neck off?" Please be the
first one.
"The first one." Yeet my bois, I'd done it.
Something I started to realize while he was talking to me, Jeremiah began
picking up my books scattered over the floor, rounding them up and balancing
them on his pinky finger. Another thing I noticed was his pinky finger had at
least seven biceps on each joint. Each one of these was flexing as he easily
balanced my textbooks on it. He started doing the pinky finger equivalent of
bench pressing my books. My mouth fell open, could he get any more perfect? I
had to ask
"Anything else you can balance on your finger?" I asked suggestively raising my
eyebrows.
"Hell yah." He replied, handing my books back to me. He immediately leaned to
his left and ripped a large section of the wall out and started flexing his
twenty one pinky biceps. He didn't even look phased. I'm surprised he didn't
pull out his electric guitar and start serenading me with the sweet, sweet
sound of Tool then and there (of course only with his one free hand). Soon
growing bored he tossed the large section of wall behind him. He stepped closer
to where I still lay on the hallway's cool linoleum tiles.
"Want to see what else I can lift?" He asked as rose and cherry blossom petals
began to fall from the sky.
"Hell yah." Somewhere behind me a saxophone started playing Careless Whisper by
George Michael. Hell yah.
As the soft sweet notes of Careless Whisper came to an end and the person who
had been playing the saxophone disappeared, I turned to Jeremiah and said, in a
deep rumbling tone "Could you lift me on your muscled pinky? "
He swiveled his beautiful head towards me, his mesmerizing black hair swooping
across his face "Anything for you schmoopey poopy."
I fainted. You couldn't really blame me. Hearing those words coming from the
mouth of the mortal equivalent of god, it was too much. I couldn't take it.
When I woke up, I had the strange sensation of moving through the air, I felt I
was being suspended by a singular point. I looked around me. Jeremiah was
balancing me on his pinky finger and bench pressing me on it. I'm very
surprised that I didn't faint all over again, instead I rolled my neck to get a
better look at Jeremiah's stunning face.
"How are you holding up?" He asked.
"Take me to the fucking prom and serenade me with your fucking guitar skills,"
I demanded "please senpapi."
"Okay." More cherry blossom and rose petals began falling from the sky into the
hallway. The saxophone started playing again, this time a cowbell and trombone
were accompanying it. A familiar tune began to play, it was - All Star.
Jeremiah looked at me excitedly and began to sing. Luckily for me, I too knew
all the words (I memorized it to impress him, of course). As the song was
coming to an end, Jeremiah set me back down on the ground.
"So prom, I-don't-know-your-name?" He queried.
"Call me Lalaloopsie, and prom with you? Hell yah." I replied,
enthusiastically.
***** Regaining my Will to Live *****
Chapter by lotuscookie
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
I couldn't believe it, I was going to prom with my Snoogus Maximus, Jermemiah.
I sat on my bunk bed staring at the wall. Yesterday, I was going to saw my neck
off because Jeremiah was graduating next year and had never acknowledged my
existence now, in a few short weeks we would be going to prom together! I had
to prepare. I already had a dress, what I really needed was the one thing that
could ignite romance between us: spaghetti. I jumped off my bed, nearly landing
on my dog, before running towards the supply cupboard to find a cauldron. After
dragging it into the kitchen I filled with a few hundred pounds of dry
spaghetti. I lifted the cauldron onto the bonfire we had in the middle of the
kitchen for religious sacrifices. As I waited for the spaghetti to cook I began
to daydream about how proud Jeremiah would be of my amazing chef skills. I
imagined him, standing beside me pouring tonnes of olive oil onto the
spaghetti, lifting the vat carrying it, easily with his muscular pinky.
Sixteen hours later, the 700 pounds of cooked spaghetti were tucked neatly away
in my backpack. I had to take the saw out to make room for all of it, but with
the shocking twist in my love life I wasn't going to be needing it anytime
soon.
I decided to stay home for the next few weeks leading up to prom, to make more
spaghetti and to practice my guitar, in order to impress Jeremiah, who would be
playing with his band on the night of the event. During this time, Jeremiah,
who had added me as a friend on Facebook, contacted me on the day before prom
saying "come to school today snuggalffuagus i miss you :((". What else could
you expect me to do? I quickly texted him back with "on my way cootie pootootie
rawr xd *nuzzles*" before hopping on my Razor® scooter and speeding away to
school.
Jeremiah was waiting for me by the front doors, even though he was supposed to
be in class - how dreamy.
"Hey," he rumbled "how ya doin' Oojy Coojy Woojy Moojy Poo-Poo? You ready for
prom tomorrow?"
Instead of answering him, I simply took off my backpack and unzipped the
largest section to show off the spaghetti inside.
"I see." Was all he could say, too shocked by the oodles of noodles.
Instead of going into school, which was what I expected, Jeremiah took my hand
and started walking in the direction I had just come from.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"We're going to buy some olive oil for all that spaghetti, you can't have it
plain you know." He replied, as if the answer were obvious.
"You don't want to put tomato sauce on it?" I asked, looking at him from the
side. I had to know. Putting tomato sauce on spaghetti was the only thing that
could ruin an otherwise perfect relationship. Jeremiah turned to look at me, a
very serious look on his face.
"If you want to put tomato sauce on your spaghetti, I don't think this
relationship is going to work." He stated flatly. I was overjoyed! We had the
same taste in spaghetti toppings! We were meant to be! Oh Joy!
I eagerly explained that I was just asking to make sure that our relationship
would work, that I hated tomato sauce and pasta and that our love had already
passed the ultimate test. Jeremiah seemed to be pleased with this information,
and we continued on our way to the local convenience store.
We ended up purchasing their entire stock of olive oil.
Jeremiah and I walked back excitedly to the school's gymnasium. The room was
already mostly set up for tomorrow's prom, except, of course for the olive oil
coated pasta that was going to rain down on the guests. I quickly got to work
building a simple mangonel catapult at the back of the room that would be
launching the spaghetti itself. After pouring in the few hundred pounds of
cooked spaghetti out of my backpack into the bowl-shaped end, Jeremiah came
over to me from where he had been previously been balancing the boxes of olive
oil bottles. He managed to empty all five hundred and seventy two bottles into
the mass of spaghetti in under four minutes (how he did this I still have no
explanation for). Once everything was set up for the following night, we left
the gymnasium hand in hand.
"You excited for tomorrow?" Jeremiah said, swishing his hair out of his eyes.
"Heckles yeckles."
Chapter End Notes
     This chapter goes out to my inspirations behind this story: Boolla,
     Gawl, Fag, Hun Seok, Kail and of course Lalaloopsie and Jeremiah.
     Also if y'all could send me the worst terms of endearment you can
     think of that would be great.
***** The Fire Alligators You've All Been Waiting For *****
Chapter by lotuscookie
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
I stood in front of the gymnasium doors, trembling with excitement. Jeremiah
was going to be inside. I nervously adjusted the strap on my Steve Buscemi
dress.
I know Jeremiah is going to be behind these doors, I can already hear him
playing the Gaping Lotus Experience with his band. Breathe in, breathe out.
There's nothing to be worried about, you're Jeremiah's prom date! With this
thought in mind, I push open the doors with all my strength, knocking one of
them off its hinges into the nearby wall. People turn to stare as I walk
confidently into the room. Haha, I think, none of you are Jeremiah's prom date!
The crowd of dancing people part as I pass through them, walking nearer to the
stage. Jeremiah catches my eye from the stage. He winks at me as he
dramatically strums the final chords of the song. Suddenly there is a hand
outstretched to me. I am confused for a moment before taking it and allowing
myself to be hauled onto the stage.
"This is my girlfriend!" Jeremiah yelled into the mic. A round of cheers went
up from the people assembled in front of us.
"And we're going to play you a song!" An even bigger cheer went up around us. I
had no idea what I was going to do, I can't sing, (I can't dance and I don't
know karate) or play the guitar. But of course Jeremiah already had a plan. He
bent down and scooped me up in his arms, bridal style. He then proceeded to
place the guitar on top of me so that I was holding the body and he was holding
the neck (and me at the same time, I know so talented!). He craned his neck
towards me,
"Can you strum?" He asked me, "this isn't going to work otherwise." I had not
even a fragment of a fraction of an idea of how to strum a guitar, but if there
was ever a time to learn - it was now. Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster help me now!
"Heckles Yeckles." I said.
"Good." Replied Jeremiah. He turned away from me to face the mic again.
"This song is called Intolerance!" He yelled. Luckily for me, when I first
found out about Jeremiah's existence I immediately began stalking him, and of
course this included finding out what music he listened to. My friends said my
love for Jeremiah became very obvious when I announced to them that my favorite
band was now Tool (a band which I had deemed "edgy" last year). Of course, I
still denied my feelings for him to them, but according to them I made it
increasingly more obvious that I was in love with him (taking the long,
inconvenient way around the school to get to my class - just to pass by him in
the library where I know he stays at lunch, dropping my voice a solid six
octaves whenever he's around, having the *sudden* urge to learn metal songs and
riffs on my long-lost electric guitar, learning the words to songs he knows how
to play on guitar and singing them loudly, the list goes on). Anyways, I think
I was pretty subtle about it - it was just a coincidence that everyone I knew
was aware of my undying love for him. Hey - at least I knew every song ever
written by Tool so that I could try to strum along to the song that was about
to be played.
Jeremiah looked down at me and smiled. "Ready?" He asked.
"Uh sure." I responded uncertainly. I searched the dark recesses of my brain to
remember the outlines of what the strumming pattern should be. Fortunately,
it's pretty easy as far as I can remember.
The song started. Jeremiah sang and did all the complicated neck-stuff while I
strummed along, mostly in tune. My nervousness began subsiding, it actually
sounded pretty good.
As the song started to end, a rattling noise could be heard around the gym. The
students, myself included, began to look around in confusion. What was going
on? Then I remembered. The spaghetti catapult. The rattling got louder as the
catapult prepared to launch the hundreds of pounds of cooked olive oil
spaghetti over all the guests. I looked up at Jeremiah, who was smiling down at
me excitedly. He gestured for me to put the guitar down so that he could put me
down. Just as I was about to get out of his arms (begrudgingly of course) the
catapult fired. Spaghetti rained down, covering everyone and everything in the
room. A massive cheer went up from the assembled students.
I looked up into Jeremiah's eyes. He was looking down into mine. He started
bending his neck down towards me. Oh my god - were we going to... kiss? Sirens
seemed to be going off in my head. This was it!
Just then, the principal barged through the gymnasium doors. "WHAT IS THIS
MESS?!" She was screaming. "GET OUT! YOU'VE LOST THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING A PROM
NIGHT! LEAVE!"
Nobody really seemed too bothered, as everyone left smiling, laughing and
munching on spaghetti. Jeremiah looked at me and said
"Let's blow this pop stand."
"Okiley Dokiley".
________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
We made our way outside into the dark. The prom this year had been hosted on an
anchored boat-type thing on a river in the city. Jeremiah led me up to what I
think was the prow of the boat. He turned to me and said
"Nobody to bother us up here." Oh boy did he jinx it.
A giant alligator - and I mean giant like prehistoric 15 to 25 meter long
alligator - jumped up and perched on the rail in front of us. I screamed louder
than I ever had before, so loud in fact, that it pushed Jeremiah and I back to
the far end of the boat. This was very fortunate, considering the Colossal
Alligator proceeded to open its mouth, roar and breathe fire all over the front
end of the boat.
Jeremiah and I made frantic eye contact before jumping over the side of the
boat, the Colossal Alligator following behind. The cool water hit us like a
brick, but it was a lot better than getting burned alive by alligator breath.
We began swimming as fast as we could away from the boat, where we could see
the alligator reach the side and shoot a jet of flame into the air (which
admittedly was pretty badass). A few moments later, the Colossal Alligator was
swimming through the water towards us. We swam faster, but there was little
hope for us. The Colossal Alligator opened its gaping maw and sprayed another
jet of flame into the water, which to my great surprise lit the water itself on
fire. How could that be? I then realized it was the leftover olive oil we had
dumped into the water that had ignited.
We were totally screwed.
Chapter End Notes
     If you don't know what the iconic Steve Buscemi dress looks like and
     want to know what Lalaloopsie was wearing to prom, here it is: https:
     //s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/58/ea/47/
     58ea47d873e9d615b2dffa0b6ab80351.jpg
***** FIRE EMANATING FIRE ALLIGATORS AKA THE CHAPTER NO ONE WAS WAITING OR
ASKING FOR BUT THEY GOT ANYWAY *****
Chapter by lotuscookie
Chapter Notes
See the end of the chapter for notes
AS THE WAVES OF FIRE CAME CRASHING TOWARDS JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE NEITHER ONE
OF THEM COULD THINK UP A PLAN. THE SHIP BEHIND THEM WAS GOING UP IN FLAMES AND
THEIR ONLY ESCAPE WAS BLOCKED BY THE GIANT FIRE EMANATING ALLIGATORS. SUDDENLY,
JEREMIAH HAD AN IDEA. HE SWAM THROUGH THE RAPIDLY DISSOLVING WATER TOWARDS THE
LARGEST OF THE ALLIGATORS AND CLAMBERED UPON ITS HEAD. WINKING AT LALALOOPSIE,
JEREMIAH FLEXED HIS HEAVILY MUSCLED THUMBS AND RIPPED THE FIRE ALLIGATOR IN
HALF (WIDTHWAYS NOT LENGTHWAYS). THIS GREAT ACT OF STRENGTH STARTLED THE OTHER
FIRE ALLIGATORS WHO MADE A HASTY RETREAT TOWARDS LAND - BUT BEFORE THEY COULD
ALL ESCAPE - JEREMIAH SWOOPED UP LALALOOPSIE ON HIS PINKY FINGER AND LEAPED
ATOP ONE OF THE FLEEING GATORS. THE ALLIGATOR DID NOT NOTICE THEM AND CONTINUED
TOWARDS LAND, WHERE JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE HASTILY DISMOUNTED.
"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" INQUIRED JERMIAH.
"YAH MAYBE I GUESS IVE NEVER BEEN ALRIGHT THO uWu" REPLIED LALALOOPSIE
" DO YOU STILL WANT TO BE WITH ME AFTER ALL THIS?"
"uMMMMM IDK SPOODGEPOO I MEAN UR COOL AND ALL BUT LIKE?? IDK xd"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?????!!!!! I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME? ARE YOU GOING TO LEAVE ME
FOR SOMEONE ELSE?"
AS THIS WHOLE COMMOTION WAS GOING DOWN, DIONYSUS, THE GOD OF WINE AND NARCOTICS
DESCENDED FROM THE SKY CHANTING THE LYRICS TO LALALOOPSIE'S FAVORITE $UICIDE
BOY$ SONG WHILST SMOKING 17 BLUNTS OUT OF HIS NOSE. JEREMIAH AND LALALOOPSIE
LOOKED UPON THE RADIANT FACE OF DIONYSUS AS HE LANDED BETWEEN THEM.
"I HAVE COME FOR LALALOOPSIE" THE GOD BELLOWED
"TOO BAD FOR YOU SHE'S MINE!11!!" JEREMIAH YELLED BACK AT HIM
"I GUESS WE'LL HAVE TO BATTLE TO THE DEATH IN AN UPCOMING SCENE THE AUTHOR
WON'T UPDATE FOR THE NEXT 60000000000 YEARS THEN!" CHALLENGED DIONYSUS
"OKIE DOKIE CUNT BRICK"
Chapter End Notes
     IF YOU THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER UPLOAD ANOTHER CHAPTER YOU THOUGHT WRONG
End Notes
     Wish me fuckin luck pals I don't know what I've gotten myself into.
     Also, this story is based very loosely on a true story.
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